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Hi Amy:

I am a forty-one year old black male and I am looking forward to reading your book. But I have question for you, actually I have several but I'll only ask you one for now.
When you go through a bad relationship -- sometimes several bad relationships, how does a person not carry that extra baggage to the next relationship? Sometimes a person can't forget the things that have happened to them in the past.

Cautious

Hello Cautious:

I've been where you've been so I definitely understand why you are as cautious as you are. Forgiving can be hard enough to do, but forgetting is another issue. The thing is, if we don't forget, the extra baggage and packages continue to run our lives. What it's really about is learning from and not dwelling on past mistakes -- live and learn so to speak. If what you have done to someone else or vice versa wasn’t so likeable, don't let it happen again.

We have a bad habit of only forgetting the things that we have done to hurt others, instead of considering others as well as ourselves. As the old adage says, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Old, but true. Whatever we put out there, comes back to us and we definitely will reap what we sow. As a final word to you, trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all of your ways acknowledge him (God), and he will direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Have a blessed day!

Amy

Dear Amy

My question is, I am a single parent with two teenage sons. One is in high school and the other is in college. I find that it is hard for me to have the extra money to go out on dates. I know females want to be taken out to eat and movies and to be shown a good time. Sometimes I think I need to wait until my youngest son gets out of school next year before I start dating. What do you think I should do?

Single Parent

Hello Single Parent:

May I first congratulate you for stepping up to the plate to raise your sons to be the men that they should be and for being there for them. I do understand your concern. I am a single parent of three children and know that finances can get tight at times. The first suggestion I have for you is to make sure that you are not dealing with materialistic women who won't be able to see you for who you are -- especially if you're not buying them everything.

My second suggestion is that you might find it easier to date another single parent who will definitely understand the money issues because they're possibly going through the same thing. This way, you won't have to wait until your son graduates from high school to enjoy dating. You don't have to spend much money to have fun if you and your date truly enjoy each other's company.

Here are some inexpensive suggestions for fun:

1) The two of you could go for long drives and have good conversation.

2) Go to some country area or favorite spot and have a picnic.

3) Go to the beach and walk on the sand holding hands.

4) Go to the zoo to brush up on your knowlege of the animals and realize just how fortunate we are as humans. Take the children with you, if you've gotten to this point.

5) Go walking in the park, swing and get on the paddle boats.

6) Ride bikes in the neighborhood, in the park or on the bayou.

7) Rent movies and cook a cozy dinner at home.

8) Go to the library and read together.

9) Go to the gym or do some physical activity together (volleyball, basketball, etc.)

10) Go to the children's sports activities or extracurricular activities together.

These are only a few suggestions, but there is so much more you can do.

Amy

Hello Amy:

What do you think about a man or woman who dates a person their children’s age? For example, a 45-year-old man or woman dating a 21-year-old person.

Curious

Hello Curious,

I believe in doing things decently and orderly and the scenerio you described is asking for trouble. Some people say age shouldn't make a difference. In today's society, we see a lot of what you are talking about: much older men dating younger women and vice versa. The older partners always know that they have to stay physically fit and as youthful as possible in order to keep up with their younger mates. For the most part, the much younger partner is receiving monetary and security benefits. If the older person is high-profile, it may also be for prestige.

Sometimes the much older partner may be suffering from a mid-life crisis, meaning he or she doesn't want to accept the fact that he/she is getting older. My thing is this: don't look at yourself as just getting older, but that you have matured and should have become wiser in many ways. Take time to reflect on what you have overcome, maintained and achieved. I do believe that these kind of couples can exist only if there is a real level of maturity on the behalf of both partners.

However, especially with the age-range you presented, I don’t think it would be in good taste to date someone the same age of your child(ren).

Amy

Amy:

I would like your opinion on something that I have been noticing more and more. I see more women dating women. Some people say that it is because of the way that men have treated them and others say that it is because we are living in our last days. Do you think that a woman who has dated other women can ever go back to a man -- without desiring a woman?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I, too, have noticed the increased number of same-sex relationships. I've heard all of the reasons for this -- from women and men being hurt so badly by the opposite sex that they've turned to this lifestyle; sexual abuse being the root cause (rape, molestation and/or pedophilia or incest) to people believing that they were born that way. Certainly, on behalf of the sexually abused, you could not possibly know how these individuals feel unless you have been there.

The fact of the matter is that we are definitely living in the last days as the Bible states, "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." (Romans 1:26-27).

In response to your question about going back to a man [or a man going back to a woman for that matter] my answer is “yes.” These individuals would have to get delivered from past hurts, pains, lies, deception, etc., in order to turn their lives around and get back on track. The only way I know to come out of anything that has a hold on you is to repent (ask forgiveness and don't turn back to it). Only when a person is truly ready can this be done. Otherwise, they will stay same-sex oriented or go back and forth being uncertain of what they want because of fear. God did not give us the spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (ITimothy 1:7) Bad experiences in and of themselves should not be enough to change your personal beliefs.

Amy

Hi Amy,

I'm so glad that you wrote this book and yes, I will buy one or two to share. I have a few questions, but I will only ask one. When you meet someone who just got out of a marriage of 16 years and he says that he has let go of the past, but you see something that tells you that he hasn't, how can you tell him that he has not let go yet? I know all I can do is pray for him, but what if this person has stolen your heart and you know deep down inside that he is the one for you? Do you hold on, give it time or what? I have so much I need to ask but time won't allow me. I hope when I read this book, I will find answers to many questions that I need to know. Thanks Amy! Please Help!

Concerned Companion

Dear Concerned Companion,

First, thank you for your enthusiasm about my book. I definitely hope that it heals and blesses you mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. You are free to ask your other questions later, if you would like -- but for now, we will deal with the question at hand. What’s going to matter in the relationship you are in now is the length of time you’ve known your friend and how long he’s been divorced, since he was married for 16 years. This could be a very fragile situation; especially if you are pushing him too hard and too soon.

People need time to heal from past hurts and relationships, no matter what they say. Many times they are in denial and it’s really up to their new companions to be patient enough to pray, and wait until the other person is ready for another serious relationship. If not, then the concerned companion will probably have to move on. The Bible says that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

If you love this man and know that he is the one for you, and you believe that he loves you and just needs a little time, don’t nag or hassle him. The consequence could be that you run him off before you can actually make any decisions of your own. Be his friend and just be there for him while he’s going through. When he is ready, he will let you know.

Amy

Disclaimer: These replies do not constitute legal counseling or advice. The opinion expressed is solely that of Amy A. Gentry.

Email Address: amyagentry@amyagentry.com